I'm not sure who I should apologize to. Probably most to myself. But I can't help but sink into the miserable pool of doom. I thought everything was gonna be fine from now on. But my worries have skyrocketed, since I was bitchslapped in the face by the cold, hard hands of reality. Other people have fear of heights, fear of spiders, fear of dark places, fear of homosexuals... They make me seem so weird to me. What's with my OCD with uncertainty? It's driving me crazy *shrughs* Guess I still haven't grown up after all. Still am that scared little girl, afraid of moving on to a new place. While I'm soaking up the tricklings of depression, the devilish temptation of alcohol-binging is slowly taking over me. That's the negative result of having bottles of whiskeys stashed around the house. Within children's reach sumore! Have also been looking at video clips from uni days. Aaahh... Those golden days seem so far gone now, when in fact the end came only less than a month ago. I miss being around my friends. I miss the carefree days. I miss laughing my head off, without being judged, without being worried of being judged. I will very much soon miss the freedom of wearing absolutely anything over my back (and ass). But I'm questioning myself; Is it too much to ask for?

Can I not grow up?

Well, I don't mind growing taller, or my boobs growing a cup's size or two, but... Can I not be an adult?

It feels so forced each time.

The subconcious mind really does try to tell us something. Mine's probably trying helluva lot to just yell and make me listen "WAKE UPPPP!!!"

'Cause I find me singing myself to sleep with this song,

The song just hits me like a cold surge of water, splashed right onto my face. But then again, it only makes me sadder. I just wish 2007 can come sooner so I won't be as depressed and can move along. 'Cause by then, I won't have any much of a choice.


deb said...

heyya ashley, it's funny how i find myself being able to relate to every word you're saying. so not to worry, you're not alone in this. things will turn out fine.

now, there's always room for some optimism, aye?


Ashley Liew said...

Thanks deb. So sweet. Yup, there's room. But rite now overpowered by depression. Hopefully will grow by time

Ashley Liew said...

Btw, u need to grow taller meh? U're prolly satisfied with ur boobs :p