Never take things for granted

How does one feel when a mere task of walking at a normal speed suddenly turns into the last leg of a full 21km marathon? Or standing in front of the cash deposit machine for an extra 10 seconds makes your insides feel like they are being ripped apart? If you are curious enough to find out, I might be able to let you in on the details. 

It's been exactly a week since my surgery and I feel much better compared to the first two days out of the operating room. But I still remember how cold it felt in there, and how badly I was shaking when I started regaining consciousness. The nurses must have been accustomed to half-awake patients who signal to them with a weak wave for an extra piece of blanket, and a low grunt of approval when they ask if you would like the heat on the heated blanket to be turned up higher. I don't miss the few pumps of morphine I allowed myself to have while I was still battling my way to full consciousness. But I can testify how powerful it is, and how painkillers do not impress me at all. Morphine is the way to go, baby!

It can get quite depressing if I place my focus on how much it hurts when I try to sleep on my sides, how hard it is to fall asleep when my body is dead straight, how much my stitches feel like bursting whenever I sneezed or coughed and how hormonal I've been as a result of my medication. But the good news is, I've started moving my thoughts into a more positive and optimistic space. It's nothing much but at least I'm trying. Now I hear a voice telling me, "at least you discovered it early, you didn't lose a limb, you're still here and full of opportunities to try" and yada yada.

One month of recuperation sounds just right. Not too long or short. I just hope my stitches get healed in time so they can withstand the impact of sitting hours through the traffic. Or else I might have to resort to driving a race car because that's the only angle I can get comfortable with. What's most challenging for me now is to get through to the day my Mr Bun comes home. It certainly isn't the best feeling in the world when my queen-sized bed transforms into a vast, vacant grassland whenever I sleep on it alone.

Here's to getting well and looking at the glass as half full.

My first surgery

This past week has been such a roller coaster ride. My Mr Bun left for Hong Kong two Sundays ago and that turned my life upside down. He'll be away for work for at least three months and during the whole time before he left, I thought three months was going to zoom past us and before we know it, he'll be back home with me. Little did I know that I started to crumble as soon as I turned my back at the departure gate, walking alone back to the car and driving back to the city with tears in my eyes. It was hard for him too, with this being his sophomore trip out of the country and first one without me. Now I know I was wrong when I said, "It's only three months, not three years". Because it definitely feels like I have to wait for years right now.

Things took for a more challenging turn when I had pains in my lower abdomen just days before the departure to Hong Kong. So I got myself a colonoscopy just to have things checked out and never would I guess that the doctors indeed found something, but in another area which I didn't suspect. They found a growth near my right ovary and after further screenings, I had to get admitted to have it removed as soon as possible. Which in my case, was quite immediate. After the surgery, the gynaecologist confirmed it was an endometriosis cyst which thankfully was quite fresh, but considered large in size. From what I remember, it was probably the size of an egg. It baffled him at first why it didn't protude and look visible from the outside because it was considered big and I felt a sharp pain when he examined me. But anyways, it was quite a fresh growth so it hadn't attacked my ovaries yet so that means I should try to get pregnant as soon as I can, while everything seems to be in working condition.

This has also resulted in me being on a month's medical leave and the days seem so long and lonely, especially with my closest companion being away and both of us dealing with long distance relationship for a short period of time. Sure, my mom's around to help me out with things but even she's leaving for her big Canadian and Alaskan holiday this weekend and I'll be left lonely at home. My brothers will be home but not much help there, unless it's something to do with transport or anything related to that. I use the word 'lonely' a lot because usually I like being left alone but I hate being lonely. The hormone medication that I'm on now to suppress the risk of the cyst's regrowth is not helping either. I hate it when my emotions and thoughts are so driven by hormones. It's driving me nuts.

Although this post sounds a lot like a post surgery rant, I felt it was important for me to share this episode of my life here so that other females can take note as well. It's also certainly helpful to be able to let it out because I've been so emotional lately. I didn't want to be one of those attention seekers to be posting updates about my condition on Facebook and then expect an outpour of comments. This is a good space to let off some steam and spread the message at the same time. So girls, go get yourselves a good gynaecologist and frequent check ups. You may think things like period pains are what comes with the package every month, but it could very well be your body trying to warn you about something. I know that now. You wouldn't to wait till it's too late to find out.