Big Girls Don't Cry

Left a messy trail of blood on the floor
As I crawl my way through the door
Cuts and bruises all over my pride
No words to describe the confusion I feel inside

Look to my left
I see people full of pretense
Glance to my right
There is only a dead end

Keep it together...
I tell myself
And voices of those who are close
Telling me to take charge of my responsibilities
There is no winners or losers in this game
Certainly no time and place to inflict pain

Whatever lessons I've learned
Takes more than just a pinch of salt to swallow
Is humility the road I'm willing to go?

Learning it never hurts being too careful
Throw away the selfishness
Take in the advices
Confused by what's right and what's wrong
Just blindly playing along

They say time will heal
It better will
I'm not content with my defeat
I'll show the world I'm not full of sh*t

Only time can tell

Looks like I'm gonna need to hang on for at least another 2 years before spreading my wings and fly.

WoW!!

OMFG... I soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo totally want these! Now don't go around saying I don't give out gift ideas for myself...


http://www.wowzzers.com/product_info.php?products_id=463

http://www.wowzzers.com/product_info.php?products_id=480

A Little Too Late



Dear Brian,

It's been a while since I last talked about you. I still remember how I used to write your nickname across the palm of my left hand during my high school days. FYI, we don't really call it 'high school' here in Malaysia. It's secondary school. As if we were not good enough to be first class citizens... And how could I ever forget those posters and stickers with your pretty little face, which I used to collect back in the day? I think I lost the stickers along with the cheap wallet that I dropped while riding pillion on my dad's bike when I was 13, and I've since outgrowned the posters. I got rid of them. But I swear I piled them along the old newspaper stack for recycling! I think...

Anyhoo, I'm just dropping by to say how nice of you and the other boys to come over to Malaysia again this year. Too bad Kevin won't be coming along. Please send him my regards to him, will ya? I hope he still remembers me from the last time I visited your family's Christmas dinner.

It breaks my heart to tell you this, but I won't be going to watch the show. Honestly, I didn't even plan to. I know we had such a meaningful and deep relationship in the past, but what's done is done. We've both moved on. You have such a loving wife and a cute little boy now. And I've found the man of my dreams. Well, he doesn't exactly look as dishy as Hugh Jackman, but he loves me so.

Would you be upset if I didn't show up? Please don't make me feel guilty baby. It seems like eons ago since I was a bopping little teenage girl who [hearts] the Backstreet Boys. I'm a young woman now. Like yours, my music tastes has also evolved. I'm more into Michael Buble, Mika, The Killers and other emo artists nowadays. Don't be mad at me for not buying your new album. Maybe BSB no longer has a place in my heart anymore. But I still remember each word to your song lyrics... I was singing to the entire 'As Long As You Love Me' while I was caught in a traffic jam at Masjid Jamek the other day. My boyfriend nearly choked me to death. He lowered the windows in a desperate attempt to shut me up, but I kept on going. I love you. I really do. But I guess in a more different way now.

So I wish you guys good luck. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for your show to be a sell-out. How I wish you guys could come much earlier. It's been 5 years too late.


xoxo
ashley

Take A Guess

Would you judge that I am typing this entry with a mourning face? That I carry the heavy burden of work from the office back home, a place where work stress is unwelcomed? Possibly so, as I have not been talking about very positive things about work lately. As I grow day by day, I find less ways to make myself cheerful amidst the miserable days I go through. Worst is when small headaches accumulate and grow into a piercing migrane. Well, I'm not literally speaking about headaches and migraines here.

But alas, all is well. It's only typical of me to be a pessimist when things don't come my way. And more than often, my mind makes up worst case scenarios, of situations which I fear most would happen.

It's weird that I feel somewhat patriotic today. Not patriotic in a sense that I'd like to set my handphone ringtone to 'Negaraku', but I've been thinking about what makes me truly Malaysian and how my fellow countrymates stand out from the rest of the world.

Ask any person you meet on the street, read any articles in a travel magazine or google any webpage that give travel tips about Malaysia, and you are bound to be introduced to its food galore. Apart from the Kuala Lumpur Twin Towers, we are probably best known for satay, bak kut teh and roti canai. Oh look, I've even managed to assemble the three famous dishes of the three main races of Malaysia. So typically Malaysian of me. If you ask me, I could not identify with any other elements of Malaysia which I love, other than the food. There's really no other place which fits everything so nicely like this melting pot. You can't even find it in the neighbouring country down south. I can't understand how such close proximity can still hinder them from stealing a good recipe or two.

Keep a careful eye when you attempt to cross any Malaysian streets. You'll never know when a motorist or even any driver of a much bigger vehicle might just pull off an illegal U-turn. I saw an angmoh nearly escaped death this evening when this stupid motorist blatantly did a U-turn at the super busy crossroad of Jalan Imbi, Jalan Pudu and Jalan Hang Tuah. Not to mention in front of a traffic policeman too! And of course the dutiful traffic policeman didn't see the motorist... He was too busy looking after the traffic. Local traffic policemen have such amazing talents, you know? They have the uncanny ability to multiply the number of cars on the streets, making it seem like the city is much more fast-paced and prosperous than it really is.

Let me share a piece of my mind with you. I saw those Federal Reserve Unit (FRU) policemen taking practise last Friday morning while I was walking to work; I walk past Bukit Aman almost every morning. And today I realised why they did so... Because of the street rally that HINDRAF had on Saturday. Which also explains why 1U was so quiet when I was there on Saturday. Anyways, I was thinking... The FRU must be so damn efficient and well-trained. They only need to rehearse a day before any planned street rally. We really should send them off to Pakistan to help. Malaysia Boleh!!!

What else? My mind is slowly sending signals to my entire body, mostly to my eyelids, telling me to call it a day. Stop looking at the damn computer screen!! I guess I'm just inspired by the upcoming general elections. Now we all get to see free freak shows of politicians and those alike, walking around fishing for votes and delivering empty promises to those who are dumb enough to buy their lies. I'm not a registered voter this year, whoever thought the parliament would be dissolved this year? The term is not up yet, if you count from the last elections. And I can't be bothered when the nearest post office to my place doesn't support the system to let me register as a voter. The government should come serve me, not the other way round. Maybe you guys who are eligible to vote should keep this point in mind before you decide which box to cross. But we all understand it's hard. The rich parties can't be bothered to keep you satisfied, and the opposition parties aren't rich enough to even try.

So there's no need to guess. Sometimes we don't want them to win because we're so pissed off. But deep down inside we don't want them to lose either, because we know they will never. Choose wisely in 2008, if you really care and are patriotic. I can't, but I certainly would if I could.

Wasn't tagged, but doing it anyway

1. last cigarette?:: Never had any
2. last beverage:: Distilled water
3. last phone call? :: Yvonne
4. last text message:: Mr. Bun
5. last CD played::: Michael Buble
6: last BUBBLE bath::: Never had any
7: last time you cried ::: Probably a few weeks ago
8. last meal::: Nasi lemak

SEVEN have you’s:
1. have you ever dated someone twice?::: Nope
3. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?::: Yes
4. have you ever fallen in love?:: Yes
5. have you ever lost someone?::: Yes
6. have you ever slept until 2pm?::: Oh please, 2pm is still too early
7. have you ever been drunk and thrown up?:: Yes, once

SIX things you did in the past three days:
1. Worked
2. Shopped
3. Went to the toilet
4. Slept
5. Ate
6. Gave Mr. Bun his Valentine's Day gifts

list FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to –
1: Mr. Bun
2: Danny
3: Abby
4: Yong
5: Yvonne

list THREE favorite colors —
1: Pink
2: Black
3: Beige

FOUR things you want to do before you die -
1: Visit every country
2: Be a wife, a mother and a granny
3: Love my family
4: Be a top notch corporate bitch

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT:
1. Your last kiss?:: Too short
2. Gay Marriage?:: No comment
3. Lowering the drinking age?:: Absolutely unacceptable
4. Straight, Gay, or Bi?:: Straight
5. Who are the best huggers that you know?:: Jasmine
6. Do you believe in love at first sight?:: Yes
7. Is there something you want to tell someone?:: Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?:: Soda
9. Would you kiss anyone on your topfriends?:: What top friends?
10. What is your current annoyance?:: Stupid people at work
11. How many kids do you want to have?:: None. Haha...
12. Do you want to change your name?:: Nope.
13. Last time you saw your father?:: CNY
14. What did you do for your last birthday?:: Dinner with the girls, colleagues and Mr. Bun (separate occasions)
15. What time did you wake up today?:: About 10 mins to 7am
16. What were you doing at midnight last night::: Having nightmares
17. Name something you CANNOT wait to do::: Have bak kut teh lunch with my valentine date later!

Panic! At The Office

Ever had the feeling when you feel boycotted and stabbed in the back by your best mates? As if all they do is bitch behind your back, once you turn around and can't see their true faces? I'm feeling that way right now. Sometimes this feeling proves to be true, but sometimes it's really nothing at all. But I still can't help but feel like crap for the moment.

I always say how much I do NOT hate my job. I still don't, really. But I feel really, really tired. Not only so, I feel freaking lethargic. I look morbid when I see myself in the mirror every morning. And yes, I've been losing some weight without trying hard to do ever since I've started working. Nope, I'm not trying to sound shallow like Paris Hilton. But I suspect it has something to do with stress. That... Or gigantic worms in my tummy. Not to mention I have a body worse than a 80-year-old granny.

It may seem like I have the ideal, balanced life now. But I still feel like there's a big black hole within myself. There's something missing... But I can't quite figure out what it is. I'm guessing that I'd like to move out of the country and travel for a bit. Find a smashing job in a foreign country and live on my own for a while before I come back home to where my heart is. But that's easier said than done. I still can't dig up the courage to do so. Yeah, people see me as this hard headed bitch, but I'm a little cowardy in some instances. But that aside, if anyone of you have a really cool job which requires me to travel and live in swanky cities (think New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong...), please give me a buzz. I wanna feel how it's like to live a jet-setting life, like how the girls in SEX & THE CITY do. Well, minus all the hanky-panky lah!

I don't wanna look back and reflect on my life when I'm older and live the rest of my life with a nagging feeling that I should've experienced all that I could when I was younger. I was having breakfast with the boyfriend this morning and I saw this pregnant lady seated in front of me... She had a similar haircut and nail colour as mine. The way she and her husband were talking also reminded me a lot of how Mr. Bun and myself would talk. A lot of poking at the ribs and light punches on the thighs. We even had the same coloured purses, red! Only difference is that my purse is from Esprit, and hers is from Miu Miu. BAH!! In my head I was thinking, is this how I'm gonna be like in 10 years? Not too bad actually. I mean, her husband purposely took her there for breakfast. I could tell. She was having her bowl of porky noodles but he wasn't eating. But he was keeping her company. I wouldn't mind being married to such guy and having his child. And I have faith that Mr. Bun could love me that way. But sometimes he frustrates me with his inexplicable disability to remember roads and un-romantic-ness. It's gonna take more than a little for me to embrace these flaws but I will move forward and take it all in because he's only human. It's not like I'm perfect anyway.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. We're not celebrating. We made a promise to make each day our Valentine's. But we're not exactly boycotting because I did buy him gifts. I have such good taste. And him too... 'Cause he's going out with me. Haha!! Actually the other reason is because he's working night shift tomorrow. What a bummer! Not really, 'cause I do detest the idea of celebrating love only on Valentine's Day. Same goes with Mother's and Father's Days. Btw, I haven't got my Valentine's Day gift yet :p

I think my mood's getting a bit of a rise. A little bit. Need to get back to work and suck it all in. Pray for me...

A New Spring Has Come

Sorry, I'm actually back from Bangkok much earlier

I must agree this post is super delayed but I just haven't got the time. And I actually suck at Photoshop so you guys gotta forgive that as well.

So let's talk about Bangkok. What about the city centre of the land of smiles? Why not I start with it's super cheap yet trendy fashion? Or the tourist-friendly and easy navigation of its streets? Or its cheap beers? Or its impressive and wide-spaced malls that actually put our much adored Pavilion KL to shame? Or the catchy ads they play non-stop in the BTS? (I swear I'll miss each station I need to go if they had those TV screens in our LRTs). Or the megawatt smile that the Thais flash your way, even when times you bump into someone who can't speak a word of English? Or the surplus of sleazy nightlife creatures that roam the streets of Silom? Not forgetting touts who harass you to watch ping pong shows, pussy shows or whatever else they call it.

I must say that a 4D/3N trip to Bangkok is pretty long enough if you are looking to travel like how I did. Only for shopping and to revel in its nightlife glory. Well, not actually revel lah. Only good enough to satisfy the long and much kept curiousity. And no innocent pussies kitties were killed in the event of satisfying of this curiousity. But my poor foot has suffered a case of 'shop until you drop'. I didn't exactly dropped, but I did walk too much until my foot hurts now whenever I stand and walk too much or even when I wear heels :( But nevermind, women are strong creatures. This shall not prevent me from continuing to pursue my love of shopping! :)

Some of the pictures that I really wanna post are still with Danny so that's why you guys don't get to see pics of me riding on a tuk tuk. I think I can only get 'em after CNY so if I waited any longer then this post will be delayed some more :p




Our hotel room. It was small. Clean and simple. Has air-conditioning and hot shower (that works!). Friendly staff and great (free) breakfast. Well worth the RM80 per night.






Breakfast and pool area. Damn those angmohs who act like they've never played pool in their lives. Can you guys effing not play pool in the middle of the night?! Geez...




We lived real close to the Sala Deang BTS Station so it was very convenient to get around. Not to mention there were taxis and tuk tuks in almost every corner.




To get to Sala Daeng station, we had to walk along this street which was opposite our hotel. It's filled with Japanese signboards from top to bottom. Danny had a hard time telling if we were on vacation in Thailand or Japan. During the day, it's really quiet. At night, you see Thai women (and not so women) calling out for customers in front of all those pubs and massage parlours. And of course you can't miss those gatal Japanese expats who live and work around the area.



It doesn't get any more Japanese than this!




Pink taxi *love* We were in one of these beauties, back to the airport on the day we had to leave. Dear dear, can we move to Bangkok one day and you become a pink taxi driver if you're unemployed? :p



Window shopping and souvenir shopping at Siam Paragon




I [heart] Siam Square! So many cute bags and clothes yet too little money to spare








Chinatown... The wholesaler's paradise. Not really a cool place to shop beasue it was too packed but you gotta make a trip here to check the place out anyhow.




We weren't allowed in the temples because we were wearing shorts. The Buddisht temples in Thailand are very strict. You cannot enter if you are not fully covered. Must wear long pants and cannot wear any clothing without sleeves. So we only managed to take some pictures from the outside compound of the Grand Temple.








We hopped from one water taxi to another while getting around to the Grand Temple and Chinatown and then back to Silom. It's a great experience. I thought it was gonna be all slow and expensive but it was relatively cheap and we got to our destinations pretty fast. Now that's a great way to beat the traffic jam. But you certainly will arrive everywhere with a bad hairdo. I saw a sign which says 'Safety on Board' and I was like, "What safety???????" Everyone is just standing on the boat, packed to the brim without proper safety equipments and the only barrier between you and the river is a piece of string -.-"




On the way to Pratunam Market, which we arrived too early and then moved on to Chatuchak (OMG!!) instead.








What do you do when your travel mate is too busy shopping and you're left alone? Monkey around with the camera, of course! Notice the Dior bag, haha! And we were shopping in Chatuchak Market, not Siam Paragon.




Room Sweet Room ;p




Lovely little bunny being kept in a tiny little cage. The pets sold in Chatuchak are very cute indeed, but they also look kinda pitiful. Thank goodness the people who sell them do keep these animals in good condition.




Preparing the puppy to cook after being ordered at a restaurant. Haha... You should've seen Mr. Bun's face when I told him that when he saw this picture. The lady is just giving the puppy a bath lah!

Moving on, the foodies!



Roadside barbequed octopus. Very juicy and succulent!






(If I had) Three thumbs up for the chicken broth noodles!




Porky samurai burger. Here's proof that having McDonald's when you travel isn't always such a mean thing to do.




Here's me kicking back and having a Heineken after being harassed. Oh... We shall save the juiciest bit for last, shall we? And beer is cheaper than what we get in KL. 80 baht for a Heineken. Cheap what...






I love love love the Tom Yam Kung here. This stall actually lets us order whether we want it spicy or non-spicy. So we went with non-spicy and we finished every drop of the soup. It came in a much bigger bowl and they gave us this smaller bowl to put in the stuff we wanted to eat. There were so much prawns and mushrooms. The soup just warms up the stomach and made me feel good. And kinda hungry too 'cause it's sour.




We didn't eat this but I reckon it's funny. Poor fish... You want some Actal?




From the backseat of a tuk tuk.

Now to the famed and notorious nightlife of Bangkok...








There's no shocking pictures of me posing with ah kuas or pictures taken from within a nightclub. There's simply no oppotunity for me to do so. My camera is too fucking big and my phone's camera sucks. Maybe next time I'll borrow Mr. Bun's new handphone when I try to sneak a picture from Patpong. We didn't go for any ping pong shows because I was told that only old and unappetizing aunties perform. Anyway it's not like I don't have pussy. Why pay and go look at old aunty's pussy? There were also sex shows available. You can watch a man and a woman have sex live in front of you just by paying several hundred baht. Don't want lah. Better put mirrors in my room if I wanna watch just a man and woman having sex. Free some more. So what did we do? We went to the only gay street in Patpong. On the first night, which was a Thrusday, we were harassed to the max. Simply because the crowd wasn't too encouraging. Touts were basically pulling and dragging us into their pubs. MCH... One asshole even pinched my arm and laughed on his own. I feel so raped. And they scared me. We wanted to watch a gay show but we shelved the plan. Scared mah. But we went again the next night and guess what? No one even noticed us walking along the street because business was booming on a Friday night. CB! But anyway we went for a show. They had different segments of performances for about an hour. No pictures taken but I guess I'll try to compensate with the blurry pictures from their brochure. Good enough?



The one and only gay show featuring underwater performers, or so they claimed. Those guys were actually wearing googles when we watched. Kena tipu...









The price to watch a show is only 200 baht, inclusive of one bottle of beer, any beer. That's very cheap. When we walked in, we were surprised that the place is actually very small. We were seated right in front of the tiny stage. Or if that's what you call it. Plenty of men and boys were walking around, most of them on stage already. All of them were wearing tight white shorts, white socks and white shoes. Some wore white singlets but some did not. Of course it was bloody exciting while seated to watch the show. But being me, I tend to take things with a pinch of salt. The shoes they're wearing, those aren't some leather shoes or even shoes that LOOK expensive. Most are just school shoes that we buy from Bata and football shoes that they probably wear to have a game at the field during the day. There were a few faces that look very young and some even look very manly. I cannot bring myself to belive that they are gay by nature or by choice. It's just a job.

Anyway it started with the guys being paraded on stage for horny old men to pick. The place was kinda empty when we walked in but the crowd grew bigger as time goes by. Then it was showtime. First up was a transvestite lipsynching to some song welcoming us to Thailand, with four backup dancers. Second one was when I was spellbinded. I think I fell in love with a gay porn star. He was very loh mak mak. That's handsome in Thai if you don't get what I'm saying. And he looked so manly. But he was very very seductive, like those ancient temptress who seduces their way into the emporer's heart. Except that he's a good looking guy with a very large penis. Oh!!! How much more better can it get? A dashingly handsome man with large assets? Now that's what I call perfect boyfriend material. Sadly, he's a gay porn star. Back to the show, he was the centre of attraction with a wax dance show thingy. He was standing in the middle, surrounded by four backup dancers and everyone had a bunch of candles in their hands. His bunch was the biggest. Ehem... Pun unintended. Anyway we didn't get to see his dick during the candle dance. So he was dancing erotically with the candles and dripped hot wax all over his body, runs the flames up and down his arms and to end it all, shoves one bunch of burning candles into his mouth. Arrgghhhh... It hurts even to look. Miss transvestite comes back out with her four dancers after that.

My lustful gay porn star returns with two backups for a steamy shower and bubble bath. Or at least it was intended to look steamy. But I could tell that they were freezing with the water showering from above their heads. And they had to pretend to look as if they were really turned on by each other. I bet their knees were badly scraped 'cause they had to glide on stage with all those bubbles. But the stage ain't made of marbles. It's those tiny tiles which aren't really the sexiest thing to glide on with your bare skin. This part is when he peekabooed his uhhm... assets. We were like, "Woah... He's steamed!" Somewhere in between they played Andy Lau's song while waiting for the next act to be ready. It was hillarious. I don't know the name of the song but it was one of his old ones which was used in the movie where the hero is riding on a bike and bleeding while the girlfriend is riding on the back. The chorus goes, "Yau tin, yau hoi, yau tei..."

Three well-built guys dived into the tank built behind the stage and did synchonized swimming to Michael Learns to Rock's remake of a Jacky Cheung song, 'Take Me to Your Heart'. That was funny too. And one of the guy's trunks kinda slipped when he did a somersault in water. The climax of the show was the end part. My lustful gay porn star came back on stage for the finale, with three other guys. He was with one slutty looking gay and the other two were 'a couple'. The number ones had condoms on and were buck nekkid. The zeros had skimpy G-strings on. They did blowjobs on stage and yeah, there were backdoor penetration. My gay porn star even came off stage and fucked in the middle of the audience and fucked in front of us. And then the music was stopped and it all came to an abrupt end. Guess time was up.

So there you go... That was my experience in Bangkok. I would love to go again in the future. But not anytime too soon 'cause I'm freakin' broke. I'm gonna bring long pants the next time so I can actually visit some famous temples and I'm gonna find my forbidden love :p