This is how a heart breaks

When people around you starts to show signs of old age, and you realize in a blink of a moment that you're not that small brat anymore, who runs to mommy everytime something goes wrong. And when you see the wrinkles on these people's faces, the snow of gray on the mop of their heads and how their body begin to break down... You kinda feel like breaking down in tears sometimes, for not being able to do anything about growing up, turning old.

When romance no longer lasts, and you see people who are in love, falling out of cloud nine. Somewhere along the way, they probably have asked for help. Sought for advises to clear off their heads, to seek intervention into whatever mistake that they're turning their relationship into. And you offer some comforting words, hoping that you can help salvage whatever's left of the wreck they've caused. But when the storm has come and there's nothing left to be undone, you realize that human beings are just fickle minded assholes who can't seem to make up their mind about what they seek in life. Simple things, like whether you're really falling in love or whether it's really just a wildfire of lust burning in your pants.

I'm no love guru by all means. But I think I know what I am seeking in life. Before I met Mr. Bun, I swore that I would NEVER EVER date a typical Chinese. Enough looking at friends who spend their days being told what to wear (or rather what not to wear), where to go and a million of questions about guys' phone numbers in their phonebook. But yet again it does serve them right 'cause they live on their boyfriends so you get what you deserve, and he certainly has a right to get what he's paying for.

So if you ask me if I'm happy now, you wouldn't even need to wait for the answers to come out of my mouth. It's written on my face. I get moments when I'm just wrapped in his arms or lying beside him, and I catch myself smiling at ease. For a brief moment I feel truly happy without having any tangible reason for being so.

Snap back to reality! Whatever happened to my policy of NEVER dating cinapeks? Oh well... My man may be one hell of an uncle but he's my apek with lots of love to give. There's a lot to say about a guy who can withstand my tantrums. Believe me, I have some days pretty bad. And yes, I do fear one day that he'll just walk out on me just because he can't take it all in anymore. But why consume myself in fear? I should change and take control. Rather than just keep saying sorry everytime I lose it and trying to charm him all over again. I should just be a better me. For myself at least. So I try...

But sometimes when I look at other couples falling out of love, I get discouraged about my own. Is it so tempting to leave your loved one for someone new you meet while you're away from home? Is it right to forget the promises you made and whisper the same lies into a new pair of ears? Is it not exhausting to be cheating on your other half, albeit emotionally before you move in for the next kill? Sigh... Show more heart and dedication to your love, people! A relationship is more than just love, more than just sex and more than just two people trying to trust each other. It's hard work. I guess people drift away because they simply end up not wanting to work hard for what they once cherish so deeply. Worse is when they feel a new jolt of excitement from someone new and fall into the same motions over and over. I know it's easy for me to say, I haven't been in a long distance relationship myself. But if I'm ever going to be thrown into such situation, I'm well prepared for it. And I keep my fingers crossed that my other half will be the same too. Times will get very very hard but it's worth the sacrifice if you know what battle you're fighting for.

I'm not pointing any fingers to anyone with this post. I just get frazzled by the hookups and breakups happening around me. More so when people get stuck in between. Having a conclusion would be much better off than having to live within your own indecisions. There's only one thing in my mind right now... If I were a Miss World contestant, I will not wish for world peace. I will wish for all human beings to be filled with more love and strength. World peace will follow soon after.

For those who loved Nacho Libre


edwin said...

ish, hopeless romantic...

Ashley Liew said...

EK: We are so filled with hope sometimes... :p