The 'F' Word

I was once told by a friend, "Forgive and you shall forget". But I begged to differ. For my previous relationship that ended on a not so amicable note, I can never forgive. But I have loooooooong forgotten. You may think I'm saying this because I'm living my life in self denial mode, but I'm very certain that this is not a case to forget only when I have forgiven. (Wtf why do I keep typing 'firgiven'? It's so annoying).

Yeah, but why is pinkyfreak suddenly reminiscing about her past romance if she has forgotten? Or rather, moved on? Well if you notice the chatbox on the right panel of this page, you'll notice this guy named Greg who magically appeared and posted a note about my ex lying in the hospital now and he's just dropping by to pass the message. Funny, I didn't know so many ex-coursemates from TARC would be fans of my blog. Or really, just this one fella. Anyway, no point in telling me about his pain or death because this person is out of my life. It's not about me being cold hearted. It's about really sticking to what I believe in and not wanting to have anything to do with hurtful people who can only end up as a devastation. People say children are like a clean, white piece of cloth who is coloured and patterned by their parents, peers and everyone else. I say we are who we associate ourselves with. I do not believe in making contact with someone who is showing remorse for his faults only after something precious is out of his reach. Makes you think twice before you ever take anyone for granted eh?

I told Mr. Bun about the messages. He was thinking that Greg wasn't really Greg, if you know what he means. I sort of think so too. Hidden intentions. False pretenses. Masked deceptions. Even if it was a sincere gesture to rekindle a friendship, I would not hesitate to withdraw my hand and keep it safe in my pocket. Much safer in the hands of bun bun. I was worried that my stories of the past would bother the boyfriend. But I can't control his thoughts. So I asked what would his reaction be if it was his ex girlfriend who extended him an olive branch. He gave me a dead no as an answer.

"What if she said she was in the hospital and wanted you to come for a visit?"

"I'm sorry but I know clearly if I want someone kept out of my life, I would not make any contact. Actually, I've forgotten about this person until you mentioned about her. Or maybe the time when I saw her viewing my profile on Friendster".

Well yeah... I forgot about my past until Greg appeared. To be honest, there are bits and pieces of memories which of course I'll never be able to delete from my memory. But those are just memories. Things that have happened to help me learn as I go through stages in my life. Not things to look back upon and cling to dear life as they pass me by.

Why make life difficult by putting the blame on someone else for not forgiving and therefore not being able to move on? At this point, it's not really about whether I have forgiven. I simply do not care. Anymore. So just cut the sameoldsameold story of pointing the finger and shifting the blame to someone else. Life as an adult is not easy, so just cut the crying, cut the coughing, cut the weazing, quit the blaming and cut the naming. I think you need some prayer, so get your act right or else we wont be speaking. So is it gonna be who blames who? I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars, I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomorrow. Sounds familiar? Ripped off and kinda edited from Timbaland's rap on Aaliyah's 'We Need A Resolution'. Hehe... But ever so right to describe how things are when the bond between two is broken. Broken. Quite a heavy word. It's either you fix it or you leave it for something new. I chose the latter. Because there is no point in holding on to what isn't right. I have a job that I have to work hard for to improve. I have a man who I am deeply in love with. I have a family who I care about and work on not letting them feel like I treat them as a dump. I have friends who pick me up when I'm down. I have a list of places I'd like to visit before I die one day and I'm saving up for this dream. I have a dream wedding which I can see inside my head and finally I think I can see the groom's face clearly. So many things rolling in my life and I'm not gonna let it all slip away just because I can't move on from the past. I have. It's clear to see.

So why can't you?